How I feel about co-parenting
Co-parenting is where two adults (who are usually separated) share the duty of bringing up a child.
Researchers have identified three major types of co-parenting relationships:
Parallel parenting (occurs 50% of the time)
Conflicted co-parenting (25%)
Cooperative co-parenting (25%)
Parents who find themselves engaged in parallel parenting, have low communication and low conflict. They are also emotionally disengaged from each other.
Conflicting co-parenting involves recurrent conflict , partnered with poor communication. Usually one parent fails to disengage emotionally.
The Hail Mary of co-parenting, cooperative co-parenting, is conflict-free. Where both parents are able to communicate effectively, in a coordinated manner and supportive of each other.
I’ve had to research the different types of co-parenting to identify which type of relationship I have, so I can determine which type I desire, and work towards it. I’m in a conflicting co-parent relationship, and I want parallel parenting. I know cooperative co-parenting seems like Gold, but it won’t work in my situation as the other parent refuses to emotionally withdraw. Meaning conflict is imminent, more times than not.
I read one parent describe splitting up with the parent of your child as dividing the family unit into sub units. My unit consists of myself, the kids, my future partner and my family. The other unit is for the other parent. So like a tree which supports two nests. I want to prioritise my own nest. I must admit I have concerned myself with the other parents nest before which led to my detriment. Now I realise it’s time for me to focus on what I can control. I need my environment stable and full of joy in order for my own growth as well as the growth of my children.
I believe happy mum, happy baby. That belief has developed into a passion for peace - Peace is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as the freedom from disturbance, tranquility. I also want my nest to be progressive. With the kids and I developing in our unique ways, thriving, as well as developing together - hopefully even adding to our nest one day.
The next objective for me is setting the right boundaries. I’m convinced the less access my co-parent has to me, the better our relationship, or at least the better I’ll feel. I’ve been a team player since the split and it has been impractical for me. It’s time to be unapologetically selfish. No longer thinking about how to make my co-parenting relationship work. Rather I’m diverting my attention towards managing my nest and myself. Wondering what I can do to be the best parent I can, whilst looking after me too. The burden of parenting has fallen heavier on my shoulders and it has taken me a while to no longer be resentful,bitter or cold.
Only after three years have I come to the conclusion that my actions should be based on the fact I love my children, more than the negative emotions I feel towards their father. Don’t get me wrong, I believe my children’s father believes he’s doing the best he can for them - which is great. However the two relationships aren’t in positive correlation. Positive correlation is where two variables move in the same direction, due to one variable influencing the other. In this instance, the good relationship the kids have with their father doesn’t influence the relationship I have with their father. It impacts our contact but nothing more. Which is why I believe having boundaries where our interaction with each other is limited is best for us, hopefully leading to less conflict and more peace.
To conclude, I don’t like my current co-parenting relationship. I’m working on changing it for the sake of my kids and I. Hoping to restore tranquility in my life.
T x
