Hi Robyn
Motherhood for me has been the biggest journey ever. It’s still ongoing, doesn’t stop. Every day, I reflect on how that day has gone and I see just how much motherhood requires of me. It’s highlighted so many characteristics about myself that I wasn’t aware of, things I dislike or like about myself. Motherhood happened very quickly to me, wifehood too. I dated my boyfriend for about 4 months before we found out we were expecting our daughter. We had only known each other for 8 months. We got married when I was 8 months pregnant. For the longest time, I’ve carried around a lot of guilt on my shoulders about where my life is and the disappointment others might see in me including family members. It’s really affected my mental health; I’ve found myself in some very low moments.
I believe it’s my children that keep me fighting. Motherhood gives me strength but also somehow, makes me weaker. I no longer know who I was before my children or before my husband. It’s not exactly the best situation to try to find yourself once you’re married with kids. I don’t want my children to feel less than because they have a lack of parents, in this case because their mum is mentally fragile. So, every day I try to be conscious and try to improve. I want to raise strong, confident and loving children. I think if I was given that confidence as a child then potentially, I wouldn’t have conceived so quickly. Because finding comfort in a man/partner, it stems from not knowing yourself and not having someone instil it into you.
Motherhood has made me feel confident, I made two children. I am raising two children. It helps me to disregard the opinion of others but also, they weigh heavy because I am the type of person who cares about what people think! It’s such a crazy cycle and I don’t know if this is just on account of my mental health or just what motherhood does to you.
My birth with my first child, my daughter, was horrible. I was in denial my entire pregnancy about being pregnant. Life was horrible but I was covering it up, excited to welcome my daughter. Labour comes but I was very underprepared because I had dismissed antenatal classes or any other types of learning previously. I had an epidural because I couldn’t fathom the shock of the pain. She arrived and I didn’t know how to feel. I can’t say I was excited but I was protective. I was very angry when my husband FaceTimed his family members what felt like moments after delivery. I didn’t want anyone to have her, hold her but me. But I couldn’t even do it properly. I felt like such a failure of a mother. I couldn’t breastfeed, I could barely smile. I was so broken inside and I don’t think that this wound has ever healed. I eventually understood that everything regarding my birth story and postpartum was a reflection of my depression. This depression disappeared around 6-8 months after but showed up just in time for my son's final months in the belly. That labour was different because I prepared myself, I studied videos and told myself this would be a positive labour experience. I thoroughly enjoyed my second labour and felt like it really affected the bond with the baby. I wasn’t worried about anyone, I took control of my pregnancy and labour, a beautiful moment that lives rent free in my head always. I was a confident mama this time around but depression was still lurking in the background. Now, I know that it’s something I struggle with but it’s also something I’m learning to manage. I try hard to not let it affect my children and their quality of life. My husband hears it all, my heart breaks for him because he’s heard some horrible stuff come out of mouth about myself. It’s not easy to love someone who is not loving themselves.
My journey is still in the beginning, I’m still very new to this lifelong journey. But I think the more time has passed, the more I feel like this is bigger than me and my moods. It’s not by my own strength that I can do this, it’s only through my faith.
I’m trying to not let it destroy me but build me.
