Life in the NICU - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit

What does she look like? How small is she? Will she open her eyes? Can she hear me? Can I hold her? As well as many more.

She was the most beautiful, most perfect human being. So small and weighing just 805g she just lied there on her back. Eyes closed, you could see her little heart beating through her chest as well as her whole body moving when she would breathe in and out.

Being extremely premature she had so many tubes running through her and it’s a lot to take in at first. Tears didn’t stop running down my cheeks as I just stared at her admiring her for being so perfect in the midst of all the chaos around her. We weren’t able to hold her but we were able to touch her and let her know we’re there for her.

It was so hard to watch doctors and nurses tend to her whilst I just sat there and watched in awe. I could not believe I was looking at my daughter, it was as if I was staring at the most precious diamond in the world at a museum through an incubator window. I was so proud of her to have even survived delivery - which was a spontaneous vagina delivery. I kept staring at her thinking she’s mine and she’s finally here.

The first day was the hardest day having to leave our baby in a glass box and sleep apart when we’d been together for the last 6 months. Of course I didn’t get any sleep. Every single hour I would get up and go and see her, just to watch her. Almost 12 hours later yet still I hadn’t been able to understand the journey I just embarked on being a NICU mum.

Two days after delivery, Kya was transferred to an even more intensive care unit in central London.

It was there that the NICU journey really began. Little did I know what I was in for.

Not eating.

Not sleeping.

Alarms going off every 5 minutes.

Other mums sitting by their babies in silence, day in day out.

Various machines providing breathing support.

Medicine being given to my little baby through a cannula.

Kya being fed through a tube.

Standing outside whilst doctors perform minor operations.

Infection.

Blood transfusions.

Etc.

Every single day for the next two months proved to be different and extremely difficult. As soon as we got over one hurdle the next one was even higher.

It was all too much to take in and I felt so guilty everyday.

Guilty I couldn’t take the pain away from my princess.

Guilty I couldn’t hold her inside me for a few more weeks.

Guilty Joe had to watch his first child through an incubator.

Just guilty.

As Kya slowly got better the guilt started to disappear; because Joe and I were hands on, involved in almost all her care.

It took a few weeks but we were finally able to hold her and it was magical.

Skin to skin was the highlight of the NICU. Holding our baby on our chest and just cupping her little body with one hand was the most amazing feeling ever. Knowing that by being on either one of us we were regulating her temperature, her heartbeat, increasing her happy hormone and making her feel secure. It was (and still is) the best. Amongst the fact Joe and I learnt a lot.

We learnt how to change her nappy through the incubator.

Learnt how to feed her through a tube, test the pH of the tube to make sure it was in the right part of her stomach.

We sang to her. Spoke to her. Read to her.

We were actually there for her. Involved in her care and development. Attended every ward round, kept up to date - the guilt slowly faded away. There was no longer a dark cloud over us and we started to have hope and the truth is it’s hard to have hope at the beginning. In the beginning you’re thrown straight into the deep end. Here is your precious baby that you’re responsible for but can do nothing for. It’s a heavy feeling of helplessness. However It goes once you see your little one doing well And knowing it’s down to your involvement as well as the impeccable work of the neonatal team.

After two months Kya was discharged from the specialist hospital back to our local hospital - where she went from intensive care to high dependency. That was such a great milestone. Being in our local hospital we were the ones doing everything for Kya except administering her medication. We would change, feed and interact with her as well as know when to leave her to rest. With the local hospital being so close to home Kya didn’t feel too far away anymore and our confidence as parents grew.

We watched as she went from an incubator to a cot. From a ventilator to breathing on her own. From feeding tubes to taking the breast and bottle feeding. From a nursery with her own nurse attending to her, to a room with just us where she stayed in the few weeks before she came home.

The NICU journey made Joe and I encounter a range of emotions and we are definitely different people after it. We made friends for life, we’ve overcome things we never imagined we could and most importantly we did it TOGETHER and got our baby home. We couldn’t have done it without God.

To all the mamas and papas out there, you can do it!

T x