Dating and Relationships

Relationships are at the core of everything we do in this life. Yes, we work to pay bills, we study and learn new skills. But I truly believe that, without the relationships we foster, we are nothing. We can do so little without stable, healthy, loving relationships.

 

Relationships take many different forms. Some are romantic, some are familial, some are platonic, some are professional. All relationships are important, and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what relationships I want with people (currently and soon to be) in my life.

 

I want romantic love and I am not ashamed to say it out loud, but dating is a minefield. As a single mother, there is so much to think about. What kind of man do I want to date? Could I date multiple guys at the same time? How often should I be going on dates? Is it okay to screen my dates to see if my kids will like them, on the first date?

 

Whilst mainstream culture wants me to believe that being a single mother reduces my choices when it comes to dating, I simply do not agree. I have very specific requirements from a partner; my lack of luck in love is less to do with motherhood, and more to do with the requirements I’d like in my man.

 

So, what are my requirements? What do I look for in a partner? People might expect me to list personality traits and pretend that physical attraction doesn’t mean anything to me. I wouldn’t be being honest if I said that was the case. I love love and I love to be loved. I need a partner to be fully committed to me. I don’t want them to be obsessive, but I do need to know that they are fully committed to me. I need a partner who is secure in himself but can’t live without me. Yes, I need to be needed! I love love, and it is necessary that a partner loves me unconditionally. Unconditional love includes calling me out on my BS and disagreements - yet I want my partner to hold me accountable from a space of love.

 

More practically, I need a partner who is financially stable. It is very easy to act as though finances don’t matter, but they do. I don’t want my partner to have financial stability as a personality trait, but he can’t be down bad. That won’t work for me. Listing off my requirements, it is more evident to me just how specific they are. Where do I compromise?

 

Being a mum, it is a non-negotiable that any future partner of mine loves my kids. I need them to love my precious children as though they are his own kids, whilst understanding that my children have a father, and respecting what that means for the family.

 

I’ve realised I have no desire to be in a relationship just ‘because’. I will only be in a relationship with someone if it is truly healthy. As I have said, my kids have a dad and that will never change, but my partner must be willing to come into a relationship with me and my children if things are going to work.

 

So, I know what I want from a romantic relationship, but how do I go about achieving this? I downloaded Hinge, of course. Online dating is a specific minefield of its own. Hinge is… interesting. I forget to reply to messages for weeks, because I simply don’t have the time or space to remember some of the new relationships I try to foster. On top of that, Hinge is a very savage place. Online dating can be so brutal. Being able to fling an entire person left if we’re not interested, or right if they seem to tick all our boxes, seems to have limited our ability to engage with people as real, whole, human beings. It can be a bit daunting. I am yet to meet up with anyone in person from online dating, so I can’t speak on how useful online dating is. I’d have no idea where to meet someone without online dating so - for now - Hinge it is.

 

Sometimes I find dating really overwhelming. I have dated a bit since becoming a single mum, and failed miserably. I’m still toying with the idea, but I think I’d like to take a couple of years out of dating to focus my energy on raising my kids and achieving some more personal goals. I am hoping for better luck in love in the future, though.

 

Outside of dating, there are other relationships I prioritise. I have been working on rebuilding my relationships with my siblings, which is bringing me new found peace. I’ve had to have tough conversations with myself about the roles certain friendships play in my life. Does this friend like me? Do I like them? Are we good for each other? Do they care for me? Asking myself these questions made me realise that certain friendships did not serve me. These people were not uplifting and did not encourage me, and so I had to make the tough decision to let those friendships slide. I am at a point of my life where I need to limit the negativity around me, in my best interest.

 

I realised that, often, I can use the responsibility of raising my kids as an excuse to say no to socialising with people I care for. So, in thinking through my relationships, I am making more of an effort to be present for family and friends. I have been working on my relationship with God, and over the last 2 years have had my faith replenished by going to Church. It is helping me to accept people for who they are. More and more, I realise that I cannot change people or their beliefs, and that it is not my role to try. On the flip side, I have also had to accept that I cannot be everybody’s cup of tea. Which is ok by me. Rather than digging deep for answers from people who have cut me off in the past, or not loved me as I wanted to be loved, I am learning to just let it be. Everything happens for a reason. Everything will be okay.

 

Arguably, one of the most important relationships in my life is the relationship I have with my kids. I am trying to do more with them daily, and to be truly present whilst we are together. This means talking to them more, reducing our screen time to share more time together, learning their favourite songs, and reading to them. It is so important to me that my kids are aware that I actively enjoy their company, and that the relationship I build with them is strong. As part of this, I have been trying to be a gentler parent. I won’t lie, gentle parenting is HARD, but it is necessary. I am setting more boundaries, in the interest of their safety, whilst still allowing them the freedom to be their unique selves and discover their own ways of expressing themselves.

 

I have also been working on my relationship with myself. How do I speak about myself? Am I positive? Am I kind? Am I encouraging? I’ve learned that I need to speak about myself with more kindness and positivity. It can be easy to beat myself up for having not achieved all my goals, but I am learning to be more optimistic about the future and not judge myself too harshly if it is taking longer to reach some of my goals than I had anticipated. I have to be easier on myself.

 

A big part of my relationship with myself has been looking after myself better. I have been investing in skincare, being more intentional about my diet, and have even started cooking healthier meals at home. I’ve been showing myself gratitude for how far I’ve come and allowing myself the grace of living in the moment. It is so easy to get caught up in the past, or preoccupied with the future, but I need to make sure I am living in the now.

 

Relationships really are at the core of everything we do in this life. My relationship with myself, my kids, my family, my friends, and any future partners may not be exactly as I want them to be. But I am working on them. I am making an active effort. And I am reminding myself that everything will work out in the end.