Learning to love me, for me

This isn’t easy to write, but I’m going to try my best. I hope it helps someone somewhere. 

 

When I became a mum, I thought I changed for the better. I became more patient and more empathetic. I thought I was a better me, but I didn’t let myself heal. I still let things get to me, and hold it in, without reacting (95% of the time 😅). 

 

The truth is I’ve spent my life trying to prove myself. Trying to prove I wasn’t a bad child, trying to prove I was smarter than people thought, hard working etc. Then I had two kids less than 12 months apart and it FELT like people were waiting for me to fail. I remember going for a job interview the day after I gave birth to Kylian, eager to get back to work and prove I was still hard working. 

 

Lockdown helped me to realise a lot about myself. Having everything closed, everyone out of reach, made me grateful for what I have. I was grateful but I realised I wasn’t enjoying. Always felt like I needed more. I was so irritated at lockdown cancelling my plans, ruining my routine and “stopping my bag”. Even ghosts from my past calling me to clear their conscience, got to me. One day, my closest friend texted me saying “Now you can rest and get to a place where you actually feel ok.” I wasn’t exactly excited about that statement at first, but she was right. I had to let go and start over.

 

I didn’t expect it to be so hard to work on yourself 😳. I’m a mum of two toddlers, and the kids seem fine to me, so why was it so hard to look after myself?

 

Eventually, I decided it would be best for me to talk to someone, someone professional to get everything I’ve bottled inside, out. I’ve told my therapist everything and let me tell you it’s been great. Thinking points after sessions really got me in my feelings, in a good way. 

 

Therapy helped me to understand myself, how I speak, words I use, my actions and so much more. Honestly I feel lighter and I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore. 

 

I won’t let pain define me.

 

I won’t let other people’s opinions define me.

 

I understand myself more which has made me confident AF. 

 

I’m drinking my water, looking after my skin, there for my kids, in the gym (ish), closer to God, I’m still learning, still healing but I am finally growing. 

 

Sis started again. It’s me. I am sis.  🤪

T x